Everything is Lamprey
Another “mystery trip” has begun. Caitlin and I will sometimes plan mini mystery vacations where we don’t tell the other person where we’re going until the week of or even day of the trip. It adds an element of excitement for short trips that can use a fun boost and I recommend it to any couples that travel well together or for those who don’t but enjoy fighting on vacations. Luckily for Caitlin and I we are the former and mystery trips have become a fun tradition. For this particular summer trip in 2021 I find out we’re going to Mackinac Island in Northern Michigan. Mackinac Island is a strange little place in the best way. There’s a Revolutionary War era fort that looks over the entire island, no motorized vehicles are allowed, and the scent of fudge shops and horse shit fill the nostrils of all who visit.
We arrive to our hotel around one in the morning still on the mainland outside the island. We are also greeted by an entire fleet of Sea Lamprey Control vehicles taking up every available parking space leaving nothing but an empty area on some grass for those willing to park illegally. As someone who never hesitates to break the law, I take the spot. But what are Sea Lamprey? What do they have to do with the Great Lakes? Who are the Sea Lamprey Control and why do they have such well branded vehicles? What is their marketing budget?! These questions plague our dreams as we go to bed that night and as we wake up they begin to dictate our conversations.
Sunlight brings to focus the overwhelming presence of the Sea Lamprey Control and the Sea Lamprey Control is no fucking joke. I’m confident that the vehicles they have in our hotel parking lot could overpower the military of a small third world country. Are sea lamprey that big of a threat? Are we in danger? Is all of mankind in danger?! Their vehicles range from boats to small trucks to large lightly armored trailers. All of which are wrapped tire to roof with depictions of fish, water, their logo, and of course sea lamprey. The sea lamprey depicted on these vehicles are the size of small kaiju and would wipe the floor with the largest of snakes found in the depths of the Amazon should they engage in battle. I begin to regret my decision to not bring a broadsword with me because I feel like the threat of battle grows nearer. What does the Sea Lamprey Control know that the we the general public do not?
We arrive to the island by ferry, high from the thought of a potential battle with the mysterious sea lamprey and also, an edible. A beer cheese flight paired with a craft beer flight calm the travel and THC induced hunger but they do nothing to calm the fear of a sea lamprey invasion. We can’t shake the suspicion that everywhere we look is sea lamprey territory and the people here are a little too nonchalant about the issue when we ask around town. Also, the Sea Lamprey Control are nowhere to be found. Is there a stronghold preventing them from getting to the island? But why were the ferry’s able to get in? Is that what the sea lamprey want? Despite these concerns we have a fun filled, battle-less day on the island. We get back to our hotel and to our surprise the Sea Lamprey Control vehicles have not moved an inch and we nuzzle back into our spot on the grass.
After settling in for the night I realize that we haven’t seen a single Sea Lamprey Control person at the hotel or out-and-about. We go to bed, wake up, head to our car and again no sign of movement from the vehicles or evidence of Sea Lamprey Control life. I recommend that we investigate the vehicles because mankind might depend on us and Caitlin agrees. Within a minute of our investigation a strange person wearing a Sea Lamprey Control hat abruptly wanders into the parking lot, stops, and stares at us from afar. Their empty non-blinking stare gives us the feeling that they might not be in control of the body that stands before us. We play off our investigation as a search for a lost item and quickly head to our car. We ask ourselves, ‘Are the sea lamprey capable of mind control?’ And we answer ourselves, ‘Why yes of course they are.’ We get to the ferry, the ferry gets moving, and we’re on the island.
Good vibes, good food, horse shit, history, and bike riding fill our final day on the island and it’s back to the hotel we go. Unsurprisingly nothing has changed in the hotel parking lot and we proceed with caution as we return to our room aware of the potential that we sleep in sea lamprey controlled barracks. Something is happening here and the world must know so we concoct a plan to get photographic evidence of the presence of the odd and forgotten Sea Lamprey Control vehicles. For this plan, I will pretend to be capturing a candid moment of bird watching in front of a vehicle while Caitlin is to pose as the bird watcher with a banana in hand to establish a nonthreatening and silly energy.
Night quickly passes and day breaks with a sense of urgency. We only have one shot at this photo and it needs to be perfect. World leaders may depend on this photographic evidence of the sea lamprey threat, you never know. I prep my camera app and Caitlin preps her banana as we head out to our final trip to the parking lot.
Shot framed, banana in position, and snap, photo taken. We look around and the parking lot is clear. We frantically get in the car and begin to drive off. As we head out the parking lot, three individuals wearing Sea Lamprey Control hats and holding ominous black bags in their right hand walk shoulder to shoulder out of the hotel. Their eyes follow us as we zip on out of there. We take a sigh of relief as we start to head back home toward civilization with hope that the scourge of the sea lamprey has not spread south during our absence. I still have many questions as we leave. And I’d say the only answer I’ve come to since then is, “Sea Lamprey are everything.”
Caitlin with the Sea Lamprey Control Vehicle (2021)
