Major Changes Coming to Olive Garden Restaurants
DJ Brutal Jeff, brings the house and vibes down at an Olive Garden in Naples, Italy
Olive Garden is introducing live DJs at all 906 restaurants
During a star studded press conference, (Man vs Food guy was there) the CEO of Olive Garden, Michael Sauce, announced that every Olive Garden restaurant will soon feature a live DJ.
In his announcement he said, “Old people are dying. This means we need to attract a younger audience, and what do the kids love? That’s right, live music.”
This would be a daring change to the business model for Olive Garden. Generally known for their salty breadsticks, throwing a DJ in the mix is sure to cause a shake up for the company.
“It’s time to turn up at The Garden. This is a new era, a groove era if you may,” he continued amongst a sea of groans.
When asked if there will be any other changes at the restaurants Mr. Sauce clarified, “No. It’s the exact same Olive Garden but there will now be a live DJ somewhere in the restaurant. This is a good idea”.
The home of weirdly slippery noodles is also introducing a new dish to stir up excitement for the army of DJs that will soon harass the franchise locations. This dish, called The Bass, is three orders of their lasagna dish stacked on top of each other in a wobbly fashion. As a fun perk, if you order The Bass by saying “I’m all about that bass, papi”, Olive Garden “chefs” will lay some sloppy Fettuccine Alfredo across your lap.
Top Cardiologist, Dr. Jimmy Fibonucci, predicts “hundreds of elderly deaths due to the introduction of the jarring music.”
When asked to comment about the new The Bass dish, Dr. Fibonucci shot himself in the head.
Our top Olive Garden correspondents are following this story around the clock.
Patrons at an Olive Garden fear for the safety of a broken man who just ordered The Bass.
