Local Man Struggles to Find More Excuses to Skip Christmas

Jared Pallor, 27, says it’s getting harder for him to convince his family that he should stay home for the holidays. When the CDC released their recommendations for the holidays including wearing a face mask when around others who don’t live in your home, gathering outside whenever possible, and maintaining six feet of distance from those who don’t live with you, he said that his mother purchased a tent, two industrial heat lamps, and enough personalized PPE to supply a small militia. 

“I think she was just excited to be able to find a way for all 7 of us to spend time together on Christmas,” Jared said into his gaming headset microphone, slumping into his couch in front of his bare living room wall on a Zoom call with us. “When she sent me the text, I was blown away. I was honestly looking forward to not having to go anywhere on Christmas; I was going to microwave some food, play the new Spiderman, and maybe take an edible or three. But now she’s all excited about being able to see me, and my family, and I just don’t know what more I can say to her to convince her that I can’t go.”

Wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve, Jared continued, “I honestly just can’t take another get-together with my brothers and their wives all asking me when I’m going to meet a girl and settle down. Is it really such a CRIME to just enjoy life where I’m at right now?!” he asked, scratching his unshaved upper lip with the tip of his Juul, “I mean, it’s not my fault that girls never go for the nice guys. Fucking bitches,” he added, licking his lips instead of putting on lip balm.

We here at Memestudium will be closely following Jared’s story, and whether or not he’ll have to get fully dressed on December 25th.