Real Biographies: Elon Musk

Elon, Elon, oh Elon. The now-human owner of Tesla and SpaceDIX is best known for his attempts to escape this soon-to-erupt floating rock. As everyone knows Elon was crafted in a small lab off the coast of South Africa. His parents, Nole and Crunchy, used their immense fortune to craft the perfect billionaire boy. With a mix of H2O, carbon, electricity, shenanigans, and the blood of a crow, Elon was born! After gaining consciousness twelve years later, he quickly realized that he couldn’t chill out for even like a single second. In school you could find little old Elon running from class to class to maximize his time, and as everyone knows, the more you run to class the less friends you have, but this didn’t bother Elon. As he is quoted in his 1985 interview with Thrasher magazine, “Friends are a parasite on your time.” This time-maximizing formula that Elon developed eventually paid of when he invented electric cars while early for his Team Sports 102 gym class in high school. One thing led to another and now he is flying around in rockets, and is a sketch comedy star. One might say that Elon has spent most of his conscious life trying to invent ways to move faster than running awkwardly with a backpack on.

Favorite food: GX1000 Energy Supplement Material

Least favorite food: N/A

Catch phrase: “Time to make some news headlines!”

Favorite activity: Causing a ruckus

Least favorite activity: Sleeping

Favorite joke: “What do you call a bad investment? Being born on earth in 2035”